Considering having (more) children?

Are you considering having children? To determine whether > you are truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you > take this set of simple tests... > > MESS TEST: > Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your > hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the > stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and > leave it there all summer. > > TOY TEST: > Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, > you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a > friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try > to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could > wake a child at night). > > GROCERY STORE TEST: > Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take > them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep > them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. > > DRESSING TEST: > Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net > bag making sure that all arms stay inside. > > FEEDING TEST: > Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend > from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to > insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) > into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now > dump the contents of the jug on the floor. > > NIGHT TEST: > Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 > pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin > to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag > and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and > sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen > more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. > Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look > cheerful. > > PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): > Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your > clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 40% of the > beans. > > PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): > Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. > ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food > store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to > be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go > home and read it quietly for the last time. > > FINAL ASSIGNMENT: > Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on > how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, > toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways > they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never > allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will > be the last time you will have all the answers.